You know you’re in trouble when even Gwyneth Paltrow is more appealing than your lead. Such is the case with Mortdecai. In what is another in a remarkably long string of clunkers for Johnny Depp, he  channels David Niven by way of Terry-Thomas, but does neither of them justice.

The list of problems with the film is rather long, but ultimately its failure rests upon two elements: Eric Aronson’s woefully unfunny, uninteresting, and unoriginal script; and Depp’s performance, which just works far too hard to get even the barest of laughs. I’ve wondered lately if Depp’s early successes have led him to see films as nothing more than an opportunity for character creation. But contrary to what some are saying, this film won’t end his career. He is great at creating unique characters. We’ve seen the results when he does it well. He just makes too many bad choices, I think. He should have a decent bounce-back with Black Mass, playing mobster-turned-informant Whitey Bulger…unless he decides to play Bulger as a French schoolgirl. You never really know with Depp. And he seems to do better when working with talent.  In Black Mass, he gets to work opposite Benedict Cumberbatch, which will hopefully cause him to raise his game (although I’m more than a little nervous about JD, and especially BC, working with the South Boston accent).

The one bright spot in Mortdecai is, surprisingly, Paul Bettany’s portrayal of Lord Mortdecai’s manservant, Jock Strapp. (Ha. Get it? Yeah, that’s what passes for humor in the film.) Depp’s quirky characters are only interesting when they’ve got “heart,” for lack of a better term. (Think Jack Sparrow or Edward Scissorhands.) And he’s got no heart here; Mortdecai never becomes more developed than a mustache, and a funny walk. However, Bettany loads up his Jock (Jesus, now they’ve got ME doing it!) with enough heart to make him the one character in the film that seems flesh-and-blood, even though he’s got to deal with the same crappy script as the rest of them.

There are one or two funny bits in the film, but I don’t think I ever laughed out loud. And ultimately, I think, a comedy should make you laugh. Even the dark ones. IMDB has this at 5.5. I don’t know how, though. I’d give it a generous 4.0. Not the worst of the year, but you’ve got better choices. Much better.

Mortdecai is bound to draw comparisons to Inspector Clouseau, but there’s really no comparison to be made. Closeau was better. “But Shawn,” you ask, “do you mean Peter Sellers’ Clouseau, or Steve Martin’s?” To that I answer…yes. (running time 1:47)